One of the biggest relationship killers is stonewalling. It is when you walk away or shut down in silence. Stonewalling can feel like the only way out of an argument, especially when you aren’t feeling heard or seen. But, stonewalling means you are “over it”, apathetic, and not listening to the other person.
Stonewalling is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the fourth of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders!
First! OWN your part. Do you stonewall in arguments? Do you walk away or give the silent treatment? Stonewalling is a biological response to your amygdala feeling overwhelmed or “flooded”. The Gottmans use a pulseoximeter to see when the heartrate is over 100 bpm.
When you are “flooded”, the only anecdote to this is to take a time out. This might be hard to do with a partner that sees time outs as abandonment. But, that’s the catch. You should “take a timeout with the intent of revisiting the conversation”. Therefore there is no abandonment.
Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
4 Relationship Killers: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
The Gottmans have researched this for decades. This is evidence-based and an important 4 concepts to remember when you look at your relationships. How many of these are present in your relationship?
First, take a breath. These happen in EVERY relationship. The important thing is that you are aware when they happen and become better at repairing quicker.
And guess what! The Gottmans have researched so much about these relationship killers. They have also come up with the anecdotes to the four horsemen. You can read about them here.
How to turn stonewalling into a healthy timeout
Stonewalling
Mutual Time Out
Your heart rate increases above 100 bpm.
You shut down and stop talking.
You walk away.
You feel no empathy for the other person.
Ask for a timeout to cool off. Get your heartrate below 100bpm.
Ask for the timeout and that you will revisit the conversation when you are not flooded.
Take a walk for 20 minutes without thinking about the argument.
Reconvene when you both are not “flooded”.
If you are in need of marriage or couples counseling, reach out to Michelle Taylor, LPCC. She is a Gottman, attachment, and trust therapist in California.
