What's the definition of trust?
Trust, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, has two main definitions.
- assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or trust of someone or something
- one in which confidence is placed
Okay, so that’s nerdy. Let’s get to the simple definition. Confidence. In fact, the word “confidence” comes from “confidere” in Latin. And confidere means “intense trust”.
So, why am I hounding on this so much? Because, in therapy, I see 90% of my clients struggle with self-esteem or self confidence. And what that means is they lack “intense trust” in themselves.
What does “intense trust” feel like? Well, think about your day-to-day life. Take brushing your teeth, or putting on your socks and shoes. If you are functioning and have an able body, those tasks do not take much thought. In fact, you could say you have “intense trust” in your ability to do them. If you are injured or have a disability, these tasks may be a little harder and your “intense trust” in yourself might waver.
What is trusting someone made of?
This is the fun part. Before Brene Brown, trust was really a black and white concept. When you think of trust, you think, “Yep, I trust her” or “Nope, I don’t trust her”. There maybe was a small gray area like, “Uhh, yeah, I kinda trust her”.
But, Brene Brown, a psychological researcher, has done some fantastic work in studying the parts of trust. I share this with almost all of my clients because it’s magical. In fact, we go over this in detail because trust and commitment are the key parts to therapy. Trusting me to help them, and committing to the process of therapy.
Brene Brown and her team determined there are 7 parts to trust. It’s not just black and white. Let’s dive in.
She made a wonderful acronym for these 7 parts: BRAVING.
- BOUNDARIES– I can set boundaries and you can set boundaries, and we respect them. And we are willing to say no.
- RELIABILITY– You do what you say you’re going to do.
- ACCOUNTABILITY– You own your mistakes, apologize and make amends.
- VAULT– You keep things confidential. You do not share information that is not yours to share.
- INTEGRITY– You choose courage over comfort. You do what’s right over what’s fast, fun or easy.
- NON-JUDGMENT– I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need, and we can discuss without judgment.
- GENEROSITY– You give the benefit of the doubt to the words, intentions and actions of others.
How do I use BRAVING?
First, go through each letter of BRAVING. Ask yourself, “Do I trust my boundary setting? Am I reliable? Am I accountable? Am I a vault? Am I a person of integrity, non-judgment, and generosity?”
Knowing what you trust in yourself is key. Make sure you don’t leave the door closed on whatever “needs work”. If you aren’t good at boundary setting, simply phrase it “I need work on that”, not “I don’t trust myself there”. Giving a growth mentality perspective to what you have and what needs work allows you to be non-judgmental and generous to your ability to improve.
Second, go through each letter of BRAVING with someone you trust in mind. What letters do you trust about them? What need work? It’s normal for someone you trust to fit only 5 or 6 of the 7 areas of trust. It’s normal for others to “need work” on some areas. The important thing is that you know how to communicate it. No longer do you say “I don’t trust you”. You can specify, “I think your boundary setting needs work” or “I think your reliability and vault need work”.
Third, be aware when you meet people of BRAVING. The more you memorize it, the quicker you can identify the areas in others. Coworkers, children, family, friends… the grocery clerk, your accountant, etc. When you know what elements trust is made of, you can identify it quickly in others and stop wasting time trying to figure it out.
What if I don't think trusting someone or myself can improve?
Well, let me stop you right there.
You can. Just take small steps.
Focus on yourself, the only thing within your control. Do you have areas that “need work” in trusting yourself? Then work on it! When you work on yourself, you will be the change you want to see in others. When you focus on you, you’ll also know what feels like trust, and you’ll feel it from others quicker.
When you work on these areas within you, you’ll begin to have “intense trust” in yourself. And, as we learned earlier… “intense trust” is the exact definition of confidence! You’ll have self confidence!
Michelle is a licensed professional clinical counselor in the state of California. She runs Perfectly Imperfectly Counseling, a Professional Clinical Counseling Corporation. She offers individuals and couples counseling, focusing on trust work with Brene Brown and relationship work using Gottman techniques. Follow her on Instagram @perfectlyimperfectlycounseling, YouTube (Michelle Taylor LPCC), and Facebook (Michelle Taylor LPCC).