One of the biggest relationship killers is criticism. “You never do the dishes.” “You are always late”. “You don’t care about my feelings.” Criticism is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the first of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders! Starting with the first one… criticism.
First! OWN your part. Are you a criticizer? Do you criticize? Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
4 Relationship Killers: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
The Gottmans have researched this for decades. This is evidence-based and an important 4 concepts to remember when you look at your relationships. How many of these are present in your relationship?
Don’t worry if they are! They have also come up with the anecdotes to the four horsemen. You can read about them here.
Part of having a good relationship is knowing what you add to the problems. Being aware and owning your part is so very important. When you think you are perfect and your partner is not, there is a power struggle. This is not about who is right, but how to collaborate.
How to turn criticism into a "gentle startup"
Criticism
Gentle Startup
You never clean the house.
You don’t listen to me.
You are so stupid!
That’s so dumb.
You play video games too much.
I feel overwhelmed when the house is dirty.
I feel lonely when we don’t communicate well.
I feel disappointed when my expectations aren’t met.
I am confused at what you are trying to say to me.
I feel unimportant when we don’t connect.
If you are in need of couples or marriage counseling, reach out to Michelle Taylor, LPCC. She is a Gottman, attachment, and trust therapist in California.
