Do you wonder if your relationship is doomed because you fight all the time?Are you fighting about the dumbest things and it turns into blowout fights? If so, you might need these little nuggets on how to fight well. Good relationships are not without fighting.
- Healthy relationships are not without fighting. The difference is these people know how to catch their unhealthy communication patterns quicker and repair it quicker.
Things you might be doing in your relationship when you fight
CRITICIZE- BE DEFENSIVE
- HAVE CONTEMPT
- STONEWALL
CRITICIZEOne of the biggest relationship killers is criticism. “You never do the dishes.” “You are always late”. “You don’t care about my feelings.” Criticism is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the first of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders! Starting with the first one… criticism.
First! OWN your part. Are you a criticizer? Do you criticize? Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
USE A GENTLE START UP
Instead of “You never do the dishes”, use this formula:
I feel __________ when __________ happens.
ex.: I feel overwhelmed when the dishes are not done.
One of the biggest relationship killers is defensiveness. “I don’t do that”. “I am not as ___ as you are”. “Oh yeah? Well at least I don’t….”
Defensiveness is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the second of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders!
First! OWN your part. Are you defensive? Do you automatically start preparing your defense while the other person is speaking? It’s easy to be defensive when you are being criticized. So, it takes a little bit of patience and giving the benefit of the doubt.
Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
Instead of already planning your counterattack in your head, use this formula:
They aren’t meaning to hurt me. I need to listen to the underlying feeling they are experiencing and try to understand.
One of the biggest relationship killers is contempt. “God, you are so stupid!” “He/She always does this!” “Things would be better without you”.
Contempt is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the third of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders!
First! OWN your part. Do you have resentment for your partner, child, friend, parent, coworker? It began with feeling defensive over and over again. Contempt is that “eye rolling”, either visible or in your head. It’s sort of a dislike or a hate for the person. This probably happened because they weren’t meeting your needs.
Knowing that you feel contempt is the first step. Then the next step is to model the behavior to replace it.
Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
And drumroll please! The anecdote to contempt is gratitude!
HOW TO HAVE GRATITUDE IN CONTEMPT
Instead of focusing on the contempt or disgust you have in the person, try this formula:
This is challenging me in ways I’ve never been before. I need to dig into what this is trying to teach me.
Stonewalling is when you walk away or shut down in silence. Stonewalling can feel like the only way out of an argument, especially when you aren’t feeling heard or seen. But, stonewalling means you are “over it”, apathetic, and not listening to the other person.
Stonewalling is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the fourth of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders!
First! OWN your part. Do you stonewall in arguments? Do you walk away or give the silent treatment? Stonewalling is a biological response to your amygdala feeling overwhelmed or “flooded”. The Gottmans use a pulseoximeter to see when the heartrate is over 100 bpm.
When you are “flooded”, the only anecdote to this is to take a time out. This might be hard to do with a partner that sees time outs as abandonment. But, that’s the catch. You should “take a timeout with the intent of revisiting the conversation”. Therefore there is no abandonment.
Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
HOW TO GET OUT OF STONEWALLING
Know the signs of stonewalling:
- Heartrate over 100bpm
- You shut down and stop talking
- You walk away
- You feel no empathy for the other person
And the trick to this is:
Take a mutual time out! At least 20 minutes where you aren’t thinking about the fight. Go for a walk, work out, listen to music. And come back to it when you are not flooded.
Want more help on relationships and how to fight well?
Contact Michelle Taylor, LPCC for a free 20 minute consultation.
In couples counseling, Michelle uses Gottman techniques to help couples see the patterns that do not serve them. Then, with guidance, accountability, and a sense of humor, she brings couples to conscious friendship, leading to respect and admiration for each other, leaving the communication patterns that do not serve them. Her motto is: “If you don’t fix it in this relationship, you’ll carry it to the next.”
Michelle is a direct, goal-oriented therapist. She is warm, humorous, and a doer. She loves assigning homework for individuals and couples, but, she also reminds her clients, “there is no shame in not completing homework! All information is valuable, even when you don’t do your assignments! We can explore it.”