Defensiveness: A relationship killer
One of the biggest relationship killers is defensiveness. “I don’t do that”. “I am not as ___ as you are”. “Oh yeah? Well at least I don’t….”
Defensiveness is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the second of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders!
First! OWN your part. Are you defensive? Do you automatically start preparing your defense while the other person is speaking? It’s easy to be defensive when you are being criticized. So, it takes a little bit of patience and giving the benefit of the doubt.
Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
4 Relationship Killers: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
The Gottmans have researched this for decades. This is evidence-based and an important 4 concepts to remember when you look at your relationships. How many of these are present in your relationship?
First, take a breath. These happen in EVERY relationship. The important thing is that you are aware when they happen and become better at repairing quicker.
And guess what! The Gottmans have researched so much about these relationship killers. They have also come up with the anecdotes to the four horsemen. You can read about them here.
How to turn defensiveness into a "giving the benefit of the doubt"
Defensiveness
Benefit of the Doubt
Starting to prepare your counterargument.
Thinking they are trying to hurt you.
Feeling like a victim.
Listening to the feeling behind their criticism.
Knowing they wouldn’t say these hurtful things if they weren’t hurt.
Knowing it takes two people to have good communication.
If you are in need of marriage or couples counseling, reach out to Michelle Taylor, LPCC. She is a Gottman, attachment, and trust therapist in California.
