Contempt: A relationship killer
One of the biggest relationship killers is contempt. “God, you are so stupid!” “He/She always does this!” “Things would be better without you”.
Contempt is one of the four relationship killers. According to John and Julie Gottman, the relationship powerhouse therapy couple, it is the third of four relationship killers. Learn how to turn the relationship killers into relationship builders!
First! OWN your part. Do you have resentment for your partner, child, friend, parent, coworker? It began with feeling defensive over and over again. Contempt is that “eye rolling”, either visible or in your head. It’s sort of a dislike or a hate for the person. This probably happened because they weren’t meeting your needs.
Knowing that you feel contempt is the first step. Then the next step is to model the behavior to replace it.
Model the behavior you want to see. So, start learning how to do the anecdote to it.
And drumroll please! The anecdote to contempt is gratitude!
4 Relationship Killers: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
The Gottmans have researched this for decades. This is evidence-based and an important 4 concepts to remember when you look at your relationships. How many of these are present in your relationship?
First, take a breath. These happen in EVERY relationship. The important thing is that you are aware when they happen and become better at repairing quicker.
And guess what! The Gottmans have researched so much about these relationship killers. They have also come up with the anecdotes to the four horsemen. You can read about them here.
How to turn contempt into gratitude
Contempt
Gratitude
I hate you.
You make me so miserable.
I wish you were someone else.
I am learning a lot about my triggers because of you.
I am grateful for (enter a small thing here)
Knowing it takes two people to have good communication.
If you are in need of couples or marriage counseling, reach out to Michelle Taylor, LPCC. She is a Gottman, attachment, and trust therapist in California.
